This & That

Stuff I Know #25--"Hope On. Journey On."

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country by anti-American terrorists. I've been thinking a lot about this and my feelings about the state of the country right now....the divisiveness, the rancor, the hate spilling out on all sides, the intolerance, the blaming, the lack of anyone taking any kind of personal responsibility for their choices, their words, or their actions. On a lot of levels it scares me, mostly because right now I don't recognize the country I chose. I don't see the prevailing atmosphere as positive. I don't see people from the fringes of either side screeching at each other as accomplishing anything beneficial or productive.

Do I wish it was different? Yes. Do I wish we lived in a perfect world where everyone measured their words and actions, and looked out for everyone else? Also, yes.

But I sure don't see that right now.

Five years ago I wrote a blog post on the 15 year anniversary of this day. My feelings and reasoning haven't changed.

I still believe that the best solution to those who wish to destroy this country from within or without is to live good lives, raise good families, and let their good lives and examples flow outward to influence others in a chain reaction. I watch with interest as my children struggle with some of the same decisions and issues I faced personally in my own life, and when I mothered them. I watch them deal with tantrums and potty training, overscheduling and illnesses, highs and lows, and the changing dynamics in their families as my grandchildren start to enter the teen years. Mostly I see them working really hard to make the good, big choices....and that gives me a lot of hope.

As far as the discord in amongst ourselves as a society? I'm not really sure. Sometimes I really get points that both sides try to make. Other times I feel like I'm watching a bunch of toddlers fight over a toy, and I feel like the voices of those who could really affect change just get lost in the screaming. 

So in my little corner of the world, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm going to love my family. I'm going to encourage them in doing good things. I'm going to work hard at trying to be kind, because sometimes I don't feel like being kind. And I'm going to follow the counsel in this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland, "Hope on. Journey on." Life is a big, adventurous, frustrating, wonderful journey and largely, it's what we make of it.

 

Stuff I Know #24--Words Matter

Again, the usual disclaimer for the posts in this particular category...my blog, my opinions, the thoughts are for my family and if you're along for the ride, that's great.

It's been kind of a rough week for multiple reasons. A lot of churning emotions and lost sleep, again for various and unrelated reasons.

The specifics don't really matter in the long run, but taking the long way around this topic, I'll tell you that several weeks ago I woke up to the fact that I'd probably hurt a couple of close family members by something I'd typed in an email. It absolutely wasn't my intention to do so and when I realized it, I knew I needed to apologize, which I did. 

Since then, though, I've had trouble letting it go. I know I've done everything I can to make it right, but the thing is...when you put something out there, you can't take it back. Words can't be un-read, or unspoken once you've sent them out into the universe, whether it was intentional or not.

I've thought a lot this week about where words lead, hence the pictures of feet you're seeing. It's really easy to put things into the public forum...we all do it. It's also really easy to be reactive and paint with a very broad brush, rather than not, but nothing exists in a vacuum. Think of those words like pebbles you drop into a pool of water. In all honesty, you never really know the ultimate effect of the ripples created when you drop those words, like stones, around you and others. 

What I would want my kids to take from this is that you always want to try to let your words lead you in a positive way, and that way should find you headed towards the high road, wearing your big person pants. In analogies they will specifically understand....you want to hike the meadows or the well-marked trails, not the shale hillsides. You want your expressions to be considered, measured, and uplifting. The older I get, the more I find this to be true, but it's not easy for me because the knee-jerk reaction is my basic personality. I am impulsive and more than ever, I must measure my words.

Put thought into the effect, the ripples, if you will. It's so easy to hurt others through things that are said.

Be careful.....be thoughtful....be kind.....consider from all angles...watch your ripples.

Because words are powerful. Words matter...and they can't be taken back.

Stuff I Know #23--A Little Gratitude Goes a Long Way

Just a little life lesson I learned a couple of weeks ago, courtesy of one of my boys. It's a story he told me about one of his patients, and she gave him permission to tell me about it.

The very first year we moved here in 1990, and if you're counting that's 29 years ago, my son Eric had an amazing teacher. You know how it is when you have children in school. You encounter the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to teachers. There's an infinite cross-section of personalities and teaching styles, and when you have 6 children as I did, you see a lot of them. Occasionally, you'll come across a teacher that's just so wonderful....one that really wants to be there improving the little mush minds of kids....one that really turns the lights on inside those little brains and inspires creative thought, or helps slog through things a child might struggle with.....one that turns themselves inside out to pull the last little bit of excellence out of a kiddo. In my experience those truly superior teachers are few and far between, but my children have had a few.

So one of those teachers, now retired, came to see my son Evan and asked if she could show him something. She said she had cleared out a lot of her old teaching things, but she wasn't quite ready to part with everything. And then she handed him this card, and gave him permission to take a picture of it and send it to me.

It's written on a 3x5 index card. Nothing fancy, but she's kept it for nearly 30 years. 

Now the point I want to make here isn't that I write a gushingly awesome thank you note that makes one want to treasure it forever because really, this one is pretty short and sweet. The point is, a little gratitude goes a long way. People want to be valued and appreciated for what they do. You might say that a wonderful teacher is just doing the job they're paid to do, and that's true up to a point. But can you put a price on the success and growth you or your child experiences through that extra effort on their part? You might say that someone who does something for you over and over again just does it because they're family, or a good friend, and that's what family/friends do for one another. Yes, but if you express appreciation for those things, whether it's the big things like help achieving a life-long goal like your profession, right down to the gerbil jobs like meals and laundry, how likely is it that help will continue and not be given grudgingly? Someone might even be assigned to help or serve you in some capacity, and you could say they're just fulfilling that assignment. OK, but when someone brings balloons and a popsicle, or a book to read and toys for your grandchildren to play with when you've had surgery on your leg and then you fall and break your arm, doesn't that lift your burden some? By the way, these are all real-world examples....

What I'm saying is when you are grateful not just in your head, but you express that gratitude or caring in one way or another, you can change a person's whole day. You can even change a person's whole life. I'm thinking of my sweet friend Irene. Her expressions of gratitude and love toward me made me want to be like her. I miss Irene's presence in my life every day. I ran into her daughter and granddaughter recently. They've moved to a different state, but we still shared tender memories that involved roses and weeds. It doesn't have to be a huge deal...it was an index card for heaven's sake, but sincere expressions of appreciation bless the lives of others, and they impact your life in ways that might not be realized for years.

Now I have to confess, that my ability to do this all the time ebbs and flows. It's much easier to look at life from the "I'm carrying a heavy load" side of things, and my year has been so frantic that I'm afraid I've been carrying that boulder on my back for a while now. I've needed this refresher and I'm grateful to my boy who had the thought and took the time to text me a picture from his phone. It brought Irene's attitude back into focus for me and I'm grateful for that, too. 

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude and see how it changes your perspective.

 

Stuff I Know #22--Embracing My Inner Martha

So the other day I was accused of being a stick in the mud by a family member. This led to some hurt feelings on my part and a decision to keep myself apart from a family event that I now regret, but it also led to some pondering about the original allegation. And my pondering took me to some realizations about myself that I'll share today. Again, the disclaimer that accompanies these posts remains true. These are my personal thoughts and observations, and anything I say will hopefully be beneficial to my family. It's not my intention to dictate how anyone else should live.

So let's go back and review something I very firmly believe and that is Stuff I Know #1...Basic personality doesn't change. I'm very aware of certain aspects of my own basic personality. I like things ordered, planned and consistent. Some people who know and love me would go so far as to call me rigid and inflexible, and certain members of my family have made it a life goal to change that about me. It's become almost a game for them. But you see....basic personality doesn't change, so despite my appearing to give up some of those tendencies over the years in the interest of family harmony, all those efforts really accomplish is to push the resulting anxiety and upset inward where it doesn't get expressed. People might think they've won, but really, it's just that the resulting debate and/or conflict isn't worth it to me. The feelings are still there.

I've always been a rule-follower. Always colored in the lines, thought inside the box...pick whatever metaphor you want.  Even when I was young and the opportunity to skip school was presented by friends, I couldn't make myself take the risk. During my teenage and college years the trait benefitted me, causing me to be pretty self-motivated and propelling me through goals I'd set for myself. While my 6 kiddos were at home, it helped me keep a handle on what everyone needed to be doing at school and with music and church commitments, and where they all needed to go, and when.

The tendency was reinforced even further when my husband decided to begin his innumerable "once in a lifetime" excursions. These began when the kids were little, and he felt comfortable walking out of the house without a second thought because he knew I could probably manage to stay on top of things. It was beneficial and convenient for him, but sometimes I felt like I was being punished for being capable. To carry it into the present day, the family get togethers we have, and the cabin trips we plan when all the food and other necessities have to be hauled in? All those details and plans, and a good share of their execution fall to me. It works for everyone that I am a planner. 

All of this pondering brought me around, interestingly, to the Biblical story of Mary and Martha. In short, Mary chose to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to his teaching, while Martha was preoccupied with all the preparations that went along with having the Savior in her home. The commentary on this story, given by Jesus, was that "Mary hath chosen that good part." So yeah, I'm a Martha, and I'm perfectly aware of what that says about me as a person especially with regard to this story. I feel that guilt. And I guess it also means I'm a stick in the mud. But I'm learning that Martha has her place in the scheme of things. She probably had the meal planned and the groceries bought, and the dessert made, and the bedding & towels washed, and the diapers and wipes, and toilet paper, and shampoo stocked, and the bills paid, and her piano practiced for her church callings, and had done some ministering, and preserved her garden harvest. And still it wasn't enough.

So I'm embracing my inner Martha, and the challenge I and maybe others in my close circle have as well, is to celebrate the positive aspects that go with whatever traits in our basic personality, and try to temper the rest. It's a process, and finding that balance is something I wrestle with on a daily basis. 

Stuff I Know #21--The Fallacy of Winning

I feel obligated to put the disclaimer out there with each one of these posts, just so everyone knows where I'm coming from...

--It's my blog

--They're my thoughts

--They're for my family

--Take them or leave them

--You're welcome, or....that's just too darn bad

Which brings me to Stuff I Know #21, which is......You're not always right.

I realize that this may come as a huge shock to certain members of my family. A revelatory moment, if you will. But I might as well just put it out there and burst the bubble now rather than have you live in some kind of fantasy land, despite how much you might like it there. Nope, you're not always right. And do you know how I know this startling fact? Because we're all human, none of us are perfect, and therefore we don't know everything. 

You might really, really want to be right....all the time. In fact, you might be so convinced of your perpetual rightness that you will use all your amazing logic and your ability to spin that logic to present your way of thinking over, and over, and over again until anyone who dares think differently is mentally exhausted and rolls over like a possum playing dead. It becomes a competition instead of a collaboration, and you mentally high-five yourself and think, "I WIN!!!!" But do you really? 

I'll tell you a little story. Many years ago, I was in a discussion with a few family members concerning something about which they felt strongly. I presented another viewpoint and one of them looked at me like I'd grown 2 heads and said, and these were the exact words, "Well, that's a stupid idea." Now how do you think this affected my relationship with this person? And why do you think I've remembered that moment with such crystal clarity over many, many years? Who wins in these situations?

You can feel right all you want. You can be so right all the time that people will actually avoid discussing things with you. Why? Because you make them feel less than. You make them feel like they're not entitled to their own thoughts and feelings, because they might be different from yours. You make them feel stupid. You make them feel like they are always the ones who need to change to be acceptable to you, because...you're right. You do what you want to do, because you're right.

So, if you're right all the time, how do you think that affects the people in your closest relationships? Do they feel like they can be heard? Do they feel like they can contribute? Do they feel valued? Do they feel equal? Do they feel loved? 

So I guess the questions you might want to ask yourself as you ponder these thoughts is.....Does your need to be right overwhelm your consideration for others and their feelings? Do you need to win more than you need to make someone feel like they matter more than the point being made? And conversely, can you stand up for someone who's on the receiving end of "rightness" even if you agree with the one administering the "rightness," because your relationship is more important then what's being discussed?

I have no hard and fast answers, mostly because I think we all want to be right. It's human nature. What I do know is that no one wants to be wrong all the time so that you can be right all the time.

Stuff I Know #20--The Necessity of Watering

You all know the disclaimer by heart now, right? My blog, my thoughts for my family, and you're more than welcome to come along for the ride.

I've mentioned in the past that my husband very thoughtfully arranges to have flowers delivered to me every once in a while.

He knows they brighten my day and make me feel loved.

When a recent arrangement arrived I pulled out, and sighed over, the card he arranges to have attached to a long plastic pick that sits among the flowers...along with this tag. I've seen it countless times with each arrangement that comes, but for some reason it made me stop and think this time. 

"Please water me daily!" My thoughts rambled a bit and then settled on this thought....don't we all need watering? And I'm not talking about personal cleanliness, although that's a really good thing too, but I'm extrapolating here.

Just like a garden needs water, especially in the hot summer sun....

Just like pots of flowers.....

Just like anything growing....

Including people...

Don't we all need some nurturing and kindness? A little metaphorical water?

And really, isn't that just another way of expressing the Golden Rule?

"We never know how far the effects of our service will reach.  We can never afford to be cruel or indifferent or ungenerous, because we are all connected."--Chieko Okazaki

"I expect to pass through life but once.  If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, as I shall not pass this way again." — William Penn

I think we all need a little watering every day, and I also think we can all be the ones to do a little watering every day.

Stuff I Know #19--The Meaning of a Day

DISCLAIMER: So I composed this post last week and now I'm going to have to walk part of it back, because my husband was very efficient and got his critter early and came home yesterday. So part of this rant post isn't really applicable any more. That said, I totally believe in the fundamental principle I talked about, so I'm going to post it in it's original form. Just know my husband worked hard to get home so he could spend our anniversary with me, which I really appreciate. Last week, I wasn't feeling so appreciative, and it resulted in this post. Boys, take note.

Today is my 38th wedding anniversary. 38 years ago I married my high school sweetheart. Until the day I die, I will maintain that it's the best decision I've ever made for my family, bar none. Now you may wonder why this qualifies as a Stuff I Know post. I'll get to that. But first I'm going to remind everyone that my opinions are my own, and the reason I blog is two-fold....as a form of family history, and as a way to keep my kids and grandkids connected. Sort of a clearing house of information about what's going on so that everyone kind of knows the high points of what everyone else in the family is doing. I don't really want to influence anyone but my own family, but if you enjoy the ramblings here, then that's just a bonus.

Here are my husband and I as seniors in high school at the Prom. Weren't we cute? And look....see? My hair WAS the same color as my red-headed children. I have photographic proof. And my husband had hair. Ah, the memories.

 Alright, getting to the nitty-gritty, and I will say right up front that this post is focused directly at my sons, including my son-in-law.

So, my husband has chosen to take this week and go hunting in another state. Yes, he has. It was the only week this particular tag was available, he says. And I'm feeling just the tiniest bit fragile around the edges about the whole situation, because Stuff I Know #19 is...There are meaningful days. See for me, and I'm taking a big leap here and generalizing it to include most women...my high school English teacher would call this a "glittering generalization" and she hated them. She wanted specifics in an essay. Anyway, the generalization I'm making for my boys is that for most women, there are a couple, three days a year that are special and important. Things like birthdays, and anniversaries, and Mother's Day mean something to females...in general. And when we want to be with a specific person on a specific day, and our perception is that an elk has taken priority, we might feel just a little tender about that. Boys, this is Female 101. I'm handing you a manual here. The bottom line is that I miss him and wish he was here, and to be fair, he did suggest that I drive to the other state on our anniversary and join him for dinner in camp and then drive home, but I chose to take a pass.

Now, I'm perfectly aware that my husband loves me and that he is glad he married me most days. I am sure that at some point today I'm going to receive a beautiful bouquet of roses that he's thought about and arranged to have delivered. It's not like that one time he forgot our anniversary...and it was only that one time.  He's a wonderful man, and I love him dearly, and when I'm wearing my big girl pants, I fully realize that my marriage is not really about a specific day. It's about the 38 years of work we have done together to raise a family and work on our relationship....and it is work, even after 38 years. I get that, and I truly believe it....when I'm wearing my big girl pants.

But some days it's harder than others to find them. So my boys, if you have a choice between the day or not the day for some kind of optional activity, especially if you have maybe engaged in that activity quite a lot recently, and over the course of the year, always err on the side of the day. Just keep it in mind for future reference.  You're welcome.

Stuff I Know #18---Wuv, Twue Wuv

It's been a while since I've had thoughts worthy of of a Stuff I Know post. That's either indicative of how busy life has been lately, or of the fact that I don't have an excessive number of deep thoughts rattling around inside my brain. As with my #17 Rule of 13 post, this particular post is just a little different. It can probably be classified as an addendum to Stuff I Know #2--It's All About Who You Marry.

I've learned a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. I've learned that enforced patience is hard, and often makes me frustrated and sad. I've had reinforced to me time and again the fact that I'm woefully uncoordinated, and that also makes me frustrated and sad when I have to deal with crutches that I'm convinced are plotting my imminent demise. I've learned that I will not be one of the thousands of those addicted to opioids in this country because I really don't like the way they make me feel, even post surgery. I've learned that I am grateful for my kids and for good friends who have helped in countless ways during this time that I've been out of commission. And mostly, I've learned that I married a good man. My husband has had 4 knee surgeries, one with a several-month long recovery period, 2 shoulder surgeries and 2 surgeries associated with his kidney cancer. Being a former RN, it was fairly easy for me to slip back into that mode and pretty matter-of-factly change the ice, give the medication, and generally help him do what needed to be done. While I have also had several different surgeries over the course of a lifetime, this is the first time that I've had something with a recovery of more than a couple of days, and the roles have been reversed.

What I have learned is that true love is shown in many different, and mostly small, but very meaningful ways.

True love finds a long-forgotten trek bag so when I hobble precariously into the bathroom, I can carry my phone with me in case I fall or get stuck somewhere.

True love goes through the vast collection of coolers in the garage and finds one that is just the right height for elevating my leg.

And when I don't need to elevate it anymore, it gets outfitted as a desk to help pass the time.

True love brings in a selection of movies to pick from and then sits with me while we shell peas together.

True love makes the sponge bath happen and then the real shower after the dressing comes off, and he finds a way to make it work.

True love brings in ammo boxes so I have something to push up with when I need to get up and down

True love gets up early before he has to go to work to make me breakfast, since there are steps up and down into my kitchen and they're really scary when I don't feel totally safe on the evil crutches.

True love rummages in the craft room following my hollered directions to find me something to do so I won't be bored out of my mind. True love is patient when I forget something on the list of things that I've already given him to fetch for me, and he has to get out of bed to go get one more thing. True love hugs me when I cry and feel sorry for myself.

True love helps me get dressed and readjusts my brace so it's in just the right spot, and then modifies the brace so it doesn't slide all over the place when the dressing comes off.

True love will find ways to make me laugh. And what's the point of all this for my posterity? You always want to hold out for true love, and once you find it, you never want to take it for granted. It's a precious thing.

 

Stuff I Know #17--The Rule of 13

Perhaps this doesn't quite fit under the fairly serious Stuff I Know topics. It is not deep, or thoughtful, or insightful. Nevertheless, it is something I know to be true. Today's topic is that The Rule of 13 exists and lives on, and on, and on....

Maybe you're not familiar with The Rule of 13, but if you live in a largely male household, you become aware of it fairly early on. Let me explain. The Rule of 13 is that no matter the age or stage, no matter the educational level....there are certain things in life about which ALL males are perpetually 13.

Those things almost always revolve around bodily functions such as, well, passing gas is a perennial favorite. Whoopie cushions, remote controlled fart machines, that sound when the ketchup or salad dressing bottle is about empty. Uh-huh.

I cannot count the number of dinnertime discussion I've refereed during which my sons, who were taking physics, debated whether fart noises were a function of the physics principle of open tube resonance or cheek flappage. Really.

My incredibly intelligent, advanced-degreed husband and sons can turn into a group of snickering 12 year olds at the mention of anyone needing to cut cheese for a dinner item.

Now, all of you who live in predominantly female households are scratching your heads and looking puzzled right about now. More? It's apparently hilarious to pose for a picture with your finger up your nose....as an adult, and facial hair is competitive. You didn't know? Let's move on to word substitutions.....

Innocent words you use frequently like mustard, hot dogs, and hot chocolate become forevermore mouse turd, snot dogs and snot chocolate....accompanied by manly chuckling while you roll your eyes.

And the "P" themed Lunch Lady dinner (pigs in blankets, pears, peas and peanut butter bars)? Forget about it.

 

Let me remind you of this video from less than two weeks ago....and the fact that my husband is 57.....AND that the hysterical laughter in the background is Bryce...AND the fact that the grandchild ratio is currently 9:2. I don't anticipate anything changing anytime soon.

Oh, the Rule of 13 is alive and well, and it lives on in perpetuity....at my house.

 

 

Stuff I Know #16--The High Road

Again, I will say that the posts in the Stuff I Know series are directed at my children and grandchildren. If others enjoy them, that's great, but I'm not trying to dictate anyone's life but theirs. These are my opinions, not anyone else's...although you might have similar opinions yourself....or not. Up to you. Take them for what they're worth.

This is going to be an addendum to Stuff I Know #4, Kindness Matters, as well as #15, Kinder Than Necessary. I'm not quite sure why my thoughts recently seem to revolve around this topic quite so much. Maybe because it's been an interesting week. I've had several experiences over the last little while that have been difficult and, in my mind, hurtful...kind of one on top of the other, sort of stacked up, pressing down in addition to trying to get things lined up for a wedding, and church commitments, and family coming to visit. It's added up to some stress. It's life, and I realize that. Everyone has easy times and everyone has stressful times. Things don't always work out the way you think they might. 

Life isn't fair. People aren't always kind. Sometimes they are lazy, rude, inconsiderate or thoughtless. Some might feel they are entitled to say hurtful things by virtue of the fact that they're related to you, and this is especially hard when it involves people close to you, who should love you unconditionally, and it's even harder when you feel like you've been doing a good job in whatever you've just been slapped at about...when you are informed that whatever good you think you have done, it isn't enough. This leads me to the point of today's post....Stuff I Know #16--Always take the high road. Totally not easy to do, but almost always the right choice.

I'll let you in on a secret. I'm terrible in confrontational situations, whether they are face-to-face, or in any other format. I don't think well on my feet and I tend to get emotional when I'm attacked or my feelings are hurt by someone else's actions. Give me time to ponder, and my rapier wit can turn the tables. You know how it is...someone gets in your face and an hour later you think of the perfect come-back, the line that would put them totally in their place as you turn on your heel and righteously stalk off into the setting sun. That's why blogging works so well for me. I can take hours to think of just the way I want to express something. It also gives me time to think extensively about just how best to deal with my feelings, and the answer for me almost always is....take the high road.

Now maybe that's just my non-confrontational side coming through. Maybe I just prefer to tuck it all away and ignore it until the next time it happens...as it surely will. But in my experience, slapping back at someone rarely accomplishes what you want it to. Mostly, it just deepens the conflict and solves nothing. I'm not saying there isn't a place for constructive discussion...as my husband will surely attest. He's a huge fan of "discussion," especially as it gives him and his olympic debating skills an opportunity to get you to see his point of view, but angry exchanges don't usually achieve much in the way of bridge building.

Am I perfect at this? Of course not. Sometimes I have to cherish my hurt or my exasperation just like anyone else. Stress is hard for everyone. Welcome to real life. Sometimes finding your Big Girl pants is really hard. Sometimes I can't find the high road with a flashlight,  a GPS and a neon sign. We all have things go wrong, we all feel like we've been wronged on occasion, and that brings me to one of my favorite quotes that I have been repeating over and over and over and over like a mantra recently.

"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop."--Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It's a work in progress.