So the other day I was accused of being a stick in the mud by a family member. This led to some hurt feelings on my part and a decision to keep myself apart from a family event that I now regret, but it also led to some pondering about the original allegation. And my pondering took me to some realizations about myself that I'll share today. Again, the disclaimer that accompanies these posts remains true. These are my personal thoughts and observations, and anything I say will hopefully be beneficial to my family. It's not my intention to dictate how anyone else should live.
So let's go back and review something I very firmly believe and that is Stuff I Know #1...Basic personality doesn't change. I'm very aware of certain aspects of my own basic personality. I like things ordered, planned and consistent. Some people who know and love me would go so far as to call me rigid and inflexible, and certain members of my family have made it a life goal to change that about me. It's become almost a game for them. But you see....basic personality doesn't change, so despite my appearing to give up some of those tendencies over the years in the interest of family harmony, all those efforts really accomplish is to push the resulting anxiety and upset inward where it doesn't get expressed. People might think they've won, but really, it's just that the resulting debate and/or conflict isn't worth it to me. The feelings are still there.
I've always been a rule-follower. Always colored in the lines, thought inside the box...pick whatever metaphor you want. Even when I was young and the opportunity to skip school was presented by friends, I couldn't make myself take the risk. During my teenage and college years the trait benefitted me, causing me to be pretty self-motivated and propelling me through goals I'd set for myself. While my 6 kiddos were at home, it helped me keep a handle on what everyone needed to be doing at school and with music and church commitments, and where they all needed to go, and when.
The tendency was reinforced even further when my husband decided to begin his innumerable "once in a lifetime" excursions. These began when the kids were little, and he felt comfortable walking out of the house without a second thought because he knew I could probably manage to stay on top of things. It was beneficial and convenient for him, but sometimes I felt like I was being punished for being capable. To carry it into the present day, the family get togethers we have, and the cabin trips we plan when all the food and other necessities have to be hauled in? All those details and plans, and a good share of their execution fall to me. It works for everyone that I am a planner.
All of this pondering brought me around, interestingly, to the Biblical story of Mary and Martha. In short, Mary chose to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to his teaching, while Martha was preoccupied with all the preparations that went along with having the Savior in her home. The commentary on this story, given by Jesus, was that "Mary hath chosen that good part." So yeah, I'm a Martha, and I'm perfectly aware of what that says about me as a person especially with regard to this story. I feel that guilt. And I guess it also means I'm a stick in the mud. But I'm learning that Martha has her place in the scheme of things. She probably had the meal planned and the groceries bought, and the dessert made, and the bedding & towels washed, and the diapers and wipes, and toilet paper, and shampoo stocked, and the bills paid, and her piano practiced for her church callings, and had done some ministering, and preserved her garden harvest. And still it wasn't enough.
So I'm embracing my inner Martha, and the challenge I and maybe others in my close circle have as well, is to celebrate the positive aspects that go with whatever traits in our basic personality, and try to temper the rest. It's a process, and finding that balance is something I wrestle with on a daily basis.
Oh dear Catherine, of course we are the way we are, and we would feel bad if we tried to fill the "Mary" role and not completed (or as nearly so as we could humanly manage) our role. Sometimes, it is hard being the one that can see both sides. Sometimes, it is hard being the one that doesn't "win" - ok - all the time it is hard. Sometimes we don't like feeling like chopped liver. But we can be happy with what we do, because we know we do it the best we can. Love you for sharing, and love you for you!
Posted by: Joyce D | October 03, 2018 at 09:02 AM
We love ya, Ma. Thanks for keeping us all organized.
Posted by: AP Man | October 03, 2018 at 02:09 PM
Good post. Rings true in different ways for me. Thanks Mom!
Posted by: Eye guy | October 03, 2018 at 09:15 PM
Mama, we love you! I hope you know that we also embrace your inner Martha, even in those moments when it seems like we don’t. The constant urge to “be flexible“ is not a criticism of who you are, I’m sure of that. There is no one in this family that would question your competence or your contributions to all of us! I definitely think you are “enough”. I think the challenge is to realize that while we are enough just being who we are, God intends us to be even more. I would hope that anyone asking you to stretch and change would be doing so in a loving manner with a reminder that through Christ our weaknesses can become strengths. The trouble arises, I suspect, from the imperfections of others. we don’t always offer opportunities for growth with the same positivity and unconditional love as our savior does. I hope that you still know we love you!
Posted by: Elisa | October 04, 2018 at 08:14 AM
Catherine I always love to read your posts!! You speak to my heart and validate many many feelings as well!! I am very similar to yourself, can't do the last minute things like my DH would do, but I have learned that's how HE runs!! I hope you have a mile list of "once in a lifetimes" you would like to do!!! And take him or leave him!!!
Posted by: Karrie | October 05, 2018 at 02:41 PM